she can be fun

So, Alex and I put in our dues. For 3.5 months, our baby screamed and yelled and puked and wouldn't sleep and was pissed off all the time.

Then, something happened. Or rather a few things happened. The first was that her colic started getting less and less until the only time that you could tell that she was a colic baby is around naptime/ sleeptime. Second, her digestive system matured. Third, she became a little person with a personality. Fourth, she began to smile all the time.

I wrote a post about how horrid colic is. But, I think it is impossible to understand unless you have had a colic baby as there is no comparison that can be made between the fits of a colic baby and the fits of a non-colic baby. Thankfully, her colic is all but gone. She is still very hard to get to bed and fights sleep like it is her job. And then I think about where she is now and where she was 2 months ago and how much she has improved and I don't stay frustrated. Plus, all she really wants when she has her before-sleep fits is for Alex or I to cuddle her and not put her down. Kind of flattering, in a way.

An important step in the process for her was the abating of her GERD. At her worst, she stopped eating and had a stay in the hospital. She had a very severe case of GERD and feeding her was a nightmare. But, with time, her digestive system matured and she stopped projectile vomiting and she started eating without screaming and arching her back in pain. Now, she gets excited to eat and tries to hold the bottle herself. She has not vomited in quite some time and hasn't screamed or arched her back from the pain of GERD in 2 months or so. In fact, we started her on oatmeal 3 days ago. This is not for nutrition, as babies do not need any other nutrition than formula or breastmilk at this point. Rather, it is for babies to learn the mechanics of eating. I will be honest and admit that she is not having trouble with the oatmeal, but I don't think she likes it much. If it weren't for her having had so much trouble with the mechanics of drinking her bottle that she likely needs a lot of practice with the mechanics of eating, I would wait until she was 6 months old.

Because her digestive system is so much better, our pediatrician made the call to take the baby off her medication. She had been on Axid for her GERD since she was 6 weeks old. Neither Alex nor myslef wanted her on meds this young, but I was nervous to take her off them. Why rock the boat when things have been going so well? But, she can't be on them forever and all signs point to her digestive system being able to handle being off the Axid. Three days in and so far, so good. The jury is still out though. Talk to me another few weeks.

My daughter has an awesome little personality. She is funny, really funny. I know all mothers think their children are funny. They are wrong, I am right. She is hysterical. She also is very opinionated. She knows what she wants and she will make it very clear that she wants it. She has different looks, coos, smiles, and cries for Alex and I. She has him wrapped around her little finger. Well, she has me wrapped around it too. She is impatient and she wants nothing more than to be walking around, exploring the world. She touched everything, shoves everything she can in her mouth. This is a time of exploration and learning for her and Alex and I are loving being able to witness this.

And her smiles!!! She has the prettiest smile. When she first sees us in the morning, she beams and laughs. When she wakes up from her naps, she gives us shy smiles. When she is playing with her toys or in her jumper, she smiles and laughs, but she is not smiling for Alex or I, she is smiling for herself. I could be having the worst day and she smiles and I melt into a little puddle of goo.

The change in her has been nothing short of amazing. There were times when Alex and I thought she would never be a happy baby, that she would always be in pain and pissed and colicky. And now she is happy and I don't think there can be any greater joy for parents than a happy and healthy baby.

can't look back now

The letter is in the mail. Tomorrow or the day after, my boss will recieve my letter of resignation. Immediately after putting the letter in the mailbox, a feeling of horror came over me. What did I do? I just quit a teaching job when it is impossible to get a teaching job (at least in NY). I just gave up a really nice salary. I am not tenured so I could not just extend my leave and take a year sabbatical. It was all or nothing. What the hell was I thinking?

Once that momentary panic subsided, I felt relief. I was so miserable in that job for so long. Now, I found the most important reason there is to quit a job. I am still nervous and I feel slightly unprepared for the challenges that living on one income will throw our way. But, I feel confident that we can weather the storm.

On a side note, today marks the longest stretch of time I have spent alone with my daughter. My husband usually gets home around 3:45 and we share baby duty until bedtime. During the night, my husband will get up for one feeding and I take care of the rest. However, my husband's school had parent/ teacher conferences tonight and he will not be home until 8:30 pm.

For most moms, this would only present a slight challenge. But my daughter is a special case. She has severe GERD and feeding her is a battle that takes up the overwhelming majority of my day. Sometimes a single 5 oz bottle will take 2 hours to get down her. She also has Torticollis and requires daily stretches that she despises. Oh, she also has a wicked case of colic. We are talking 5-7 hours of screaming, not crying, per day. Some days are better than others. Today was not such a day.

For days like this, Xanax is my best friend.

But even on her worst day, my daughter is amazing and I wouldn't trade her in for the quietest baby, the easiest feeder, the happiest and squishiest baby. She may be a pain in the butt, but she is my pain in the butt and I am so proud to be her mother.